last night, a friend i don't usually see (and have only really known through my brother) came to my room, saying she wanted to hear about someone else's issues. i didn't really like labeling them 'issues' (in a sense, all we ever really work with are issues, and the negativity behind that idea isn't attractive to me), but i talked about what's been most persistently on my mind for the past week. we shared family and romantic intimacy stories, about expectations, overcoming habits, and understanding ourselves through our relationships. it wasn't for very long (maybe about an hour), but it clarified a few things for me.
first, i want to point out the obvious that, despite the apparent seriousness of topics in what i blog about, there's a certain sense of professionalism that i'm not concerned with reaching through writing here. my reasons for blogging are to share exactly what i shared last night: what's on my mind. there are a great number of professionalesque blogs that i've been looking through that leave personal matters aside and address the issue :) that is the blog's purpose (politics, religion, food, etc.). obviously there are somewhat definite categories of blog types regarding what's more professional and what's more personal to talk about. for me, they come down to much the same thing. there is no aspect of my emerging professional life that does not incorporate as well what is most personal for me. i don't necessarily encourage that distinction in our culture as we usually do (though i might condone it in some other cultures for various reasons) with consideration to where and when we are in america. i believe we've been in the heat of desegregation and 're'integration for the past century or so for excellent reasons, and that if nothing else is what i encourage, as well as it is how i choose to live and present my life while here in the u.s. so, forgive me if the distinction between my passions and my professions is difficult to find -- the reason it is, is because it's virtually nonexistent.
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for my age, i think the number of romantic partners i've had is pretty high. i've counted (hopefully without mistake) over fifteen. this is due partly, i'm sure, to not one of those relationships having ever had 'romance status' for anything more than ten months. most of them have been far shorter. i'm glad to have had many of them -- they've allotted me great lessons to carry with me. many of them have not, it seems. i've grown positive that the trick is not in the number but in the depth of intimacy one undertakes in the other person, that is, how far i've gotten to know and explore someone (which undoubtedly counts just as well for meaningful friendships).
so, at this point, one of my common responses to the assertion, "i really wish to experience more relationships before i decide who to become fully engaged with," is, "don't get your hopes up." i merely mean that not a single one of those relationships is important, i think, if they are not explored as far as one can stand to dive. which would mean that to go into a relationship with the intention of being only temporarily bound to her/him -- that is, without the presence of spiritual desire for unhindered influence and immersion into that person -- is to sacrifice the lesson you would bring out of it for just the experience (the story, really) of having had it. to me (and perhaps only to me), it is a 'waste': of time, of energy, of emotion, of the opportunity for self-discovery through and of the other person. as far as spirituality goes, it is (without insinuating a presiding religious motif over any other) a missed encounter with God. and, as i briefly mentioned, it's importance carries into every relationship i'm engaged to, with only i being able to choose the degree of intimacy to which i take it.
i was rereading the first post i made yesterday, "you," and realized that, though i had been writing to one person in particular, the material all applied crucially to another as well, whose unblurring presence is what has been contributing to my confusion in what to do since the beginning. one i am physically (even sexually) attracted to; the other is an essential part to my person. i don't mean to make the first seem shallow: our lives have grown closer together, and i can't replace the enjoyment i've had in collaborating and reconciling each other's oddities and personalities within ourselves. it is yet another facet of love that i don't recall feeling to this extent (-- seems like i've been exploring so many different facets in the past few years). there's still so much i look forward to learning about (and from) her. but i've held back from acting on impulses of tactile desire for reasons i wasn't sure of until this morning. attraction is a natural segway to integration, but attraction of premature forces is easily dangerous -- like the hasty forces of air, underdevoloped and unaccommodated for each other, that precipitate lightening throughout the sky.
i continue to experience, each day, a phenomenal depth in myself in regards to the other. i suppose it's to say that i'm still 'in love' with her; but this seems almost crude and unreasonable, since it is only when i admit that the depth is still present in me thanks to her being that i feel enlightened and even happy. despite that i know that i can't begin (or, as it often feels, continue) a romance with her, i feel relieved and 'balanced' to remember how i feel about her, which i imagine one assuming i was merely in love wouldn't be able to understand. maybe it is a stage for me to transgress, experiencing this depth through someone with whom i often go days without any contact -- but i feel more that it is a sort of initiation rather than a transition. i have experienced the depth outside of 'in-love'; i now know that i can experience it within it too -- and that is in part why i am happy to admit it.
attraction presents the doorway, and i decide whether or not to walk through it. but if the way shows itself at present to be doorless, it is only right for me to follow its path. yet another case of faith in action. don't treat any event as insignificant; don't take any small happening for granted. there is no 'less meaningful' thing when you are in the presence of All.
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